So Con-feminist-fused

Can we really be liberated feminists and also be Godly wives?

Does the bible really paint this picture, or is this more what God had in mind?

Wait, no, that's so 1990. I think the way we are liberated now makes so much more sense:

Will the real woman please stand up? 

Resources to get you thinking about Christian feminism:

Love and Respect 

Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

Women Living Well - check out the videos especially the Rachel Ray show... gets you thinking...

31 Days of Love- Day 2Loving Your Husband: The Reformed Feminist Way

Oh... This one is a pearler! (yes, I just used pearler in a sentence!).
You might want to read this post and this post from the Time-Warp Wife to understand my post fully.
There is a joke email/post that pops up from time to time. The Good Wife's Guide.  It's all about the 1950's housewife's pre-husband coming home routine. It's tongue in cheek. Its funny. It makes the girl-school raised, girl-power, you-can-do-anything-he-can-do feminist within me stand up and cheer.

No way am I putting on my best dress and make up every evening. I mean, hey, I worked all day too you know. And if you think I'm going to massage his feet - you've got another thing coming!

So reading today's challenge got me thinking about the 'balance of power' in our house. See, when we first got married, I wanted to be treated the exact way I was treating my husband. If I did something nice for him, like buying handsoap or folding some clothes, then I wanted him to do something nice for me.... like cook me a romantic 3 course dinner with candlelight and buy me flowers and a new bracelet.

I'm not actually kidding. Some of our worst fights early on were about me wanting some extravagant, lasting gestures of love for very little payoff (in his mind). "Darling, I made you a sandwich three days ago - I can't believe that you forgot to take out the garbage again and you left the toilet seat up a week ago - UNFORGIVABLE!"

The Time-Warp Wife's post does not appeal to Gen Y. We do not like the idea that as women, there can be something other than complete equalness to a marriage. We are taught that as women, our ideas and values have the same value and worth as men. I firmly believe that. In fact, I believe that this is biblical. So does the Time-Warp Wife. So what's the difference?

The Time-Warp Wife sees doing these things for her husband as an expression of her love for him, and as a practice of the biblical model of headship. See, even though in 21st cntuary Australia, I'm pulling in the big bucks, I bought the house, I've got the degree, God says that my husband is in charge. Yep. You read it. Even more than that, the Bible tells us that my husband is under God's authority. And when he is under God's authority, and I am under both God's authority and my husbands' - I have the larger burden to carry.

Ok, I know I'm going to get flamed here. There are plenty of books (including the Bible) that explain this entire concept better than I can. I'm just going to share my expereince.

When I gave up fighting against my husband (and boy did we fight!), and thought carefully and deliberately about meeting his needs before my own, something unexpected happened. My husband lifted me up, and started putting my needs before his. Suddenly we are both caring for each other and each having our needs met. What's more, we are actually enjoying each other's company.

This was not instant. It took months and it happened slowly. There were a lot of 'discussions', tears and prayers. I didn't even see the change happen myself - it happened so slowly. One day I was at a party with some friends and was talking to a bunch of girls about Awesome, and realised that the story I was telling was a nice one - not a payout. I'm sad to say it actually shocked me and I stopped mid-sentence. One of my firneds could see exactly what I was thinking and actually said, "Something has changed between the two of you. You can actually see it. Its great."    That blew me away. That others could see how much we were struggling to that point. That they could also see that we were changing.  Praise God, this is answered prayer!

I'm not going to go through all the things we did differently and the things I was challenged to change. There are other posts here that document that journey. I'm just going to encourage you, if you are struggling in your marriage, if you are a die-hard feminist who can't figure out why everything 'they' promised you is not working... then pray through Psalm 139:23-24:
Search me, O God, and know my heart! 

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting

Maybe it's not your husband who needs to start the change.

Book Review: Home Court Advantage

Home Court Advantage by Dr Kevin Leman

This is one of the books I have recently finished from my 30 Excellent Books in 2010 List. 

I tripped across it recently in a Christian Book Store for a bargain price ($3!) and thought it would be good to put in the parent library at work. 

I decided to read it first...and perhaps not put it in the library after all! 

Dr. Leman is a psychologist and a Christian and I have read a couple of his other books this year which have been great. 

This one just wasn't what I expected. 

Dr. Leman's view point is that children are given the very best to prepare for life when they spend the majority of time in a stable and warm family home environment. So far, so good. He gives many reasons for this and many I agree with no problem. 

As an Early Childhood Educator, I struggled with many aspects of this book. I agree that families really need to question whether both parents working full time is in the best interests of the children, but Dr. Leman goes further and suggests that Early Childhood settings are unhealthy and even damaging for some families... 

I'm being careful here, a lot of what he said rang true for me, but by the same token I am seeing the coin from both sides, and its a hard thing to do. 

I have often wondered whether I would be able to return to work in EC if I had young children. Its something we haven't really fleshed out in detail as yet. I think one thing is certain however... if I was a hairdresser, a builder or an office worker - anything but an early childhood teacher - I would probably find it a tiny (very tiny) bit easier to return to work.  This is purely because right now, my current job would have me being paid to look after other people's young children while paying someone else to look after my own... It's sort of too hard for me to get my head around.

And I don't think its a bad thing as such - its just a bit weird. I know lots of people who do it - some like it some don't. I'm not judging. I'm just not sure what I would do. 

I don't think there is a right answer as such - every family has to make their own choices and for their own best interests. It just made me think. 

I don't think everyone would agree with everything Dr. Leman has to say, and thats ok. It's just good to start the discussion. As far as the book goes, it was worth the read as it made me think and question some things, and I think good books should challenge you, whether you agree with them or not!

Any thoughts? 

The Spiritual Discipline of Holy Matrimony #2

He is home with the flu. Has been sick for days and I smirk to myself and laugh that I have been going to work for two weeks with the same symptoms but "man flu" always strikes hard!

But then I came home today and for some reason I just felt off kilter, tired and cranky. And instead of laughing at me, Mr. Lord convinced me to go to bed and have a sleep (which sadly only made things worse), then ran a bath for me, brought me panadol and gave me a hug...

I kind of felt a bit sheepish.

We are often so quick to judge our men, to make fun of them and to cut them down when we think they are getting too big for their boots. But perhaps Mr. L was just giving me some of the same attention that he was really longing for? Perhaps I need to focus on the wonderful loving things my husband does for me each day (like not stealing all the blankets, taking out the rubbish without asking, washing up, keeping his things tidy...). He is not perfect - neither am I, but if we can't take these moments to support and value one another, our marriage will be so very shallow.

He so readily shows his love for me, not always "my way" but the nest way he knows how. How often do I show the respect he so badly needs?

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.~ Ephesians 5:3


Today, whether married or single, focus on observing and acknowledging the ways that men around you do support, love and serve you, and thank God for them! Ask that God would continue to give you the strength to respect those men in your family, community and beyond - and in so doing have them turn and glorify God for the women in their lives!

This post is linked up for the Walk With Him Wednesday's series on the Spiritual Discipline of Holy Matrimony.

1950's Housewife

This is a clip I watched from Rachel Ray's chat show. The woman in the clip, Courtney, blogs at Women Living Well.  Many of the ideas raised in this clip are echoed in the book I read some time ago Life Management for Busy Women by Elizabeth George.

While at the moment, financial commitments mean that I need to work - and will for many years, I can strongly identify with what both these women are saying and I have noticed that many of these points that I have been able to incorporate into our home life have a profound impact on our relationship. More about that later, but to get you started thinking about these things, watch the video, and leave me a comment. What do you think about this concept of 1950's wives? 

I knew it!

Thank you for taking the Creativity Test. The results show your brain dominance as being: Left Brain Right Brain 32% 68% You are more right-brained than left-brained. The right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. In addition to being known as right-brained, you are also known as a creative thinker who uses feeling and intuition to gather information. You retain this information through the use of images and patterns. You are able to visualize the "whole" picture first, and then work backwards to put the pieces together to create the "whole" picture. Your thought process can appear quite illogical and meandering. The problem-solving techniques that you use involve free association, which is often very innovative and creative. The routes taken to arrive at your conclusions are completely opposite to what a left-brained person would be accustomed. You probably find it easy to express yourself using art, dance, or music. Some occupations usually held by a right-brained person are forest ranger, athlete, beautician, actor/actress, craftsman, and artist. Your complete evaluation follows below: Your left brain/right brain percentage was calculated by combining the individual scores of each half's sub-categories. They are as follows: Your Left Brain Percentages 22% Linear (Your most dominant characteristic) 22% Sequential 20% Verbal 17% Symbolic 17% Logical 14% Reality-based (Your least dominant characteristic) Your Right Brain Percentages 57% Fantasy-oriented (Your most dominant characteristic) 39% Random 37% Concrete 36% Holistic 34% Intuitive 25% Nonverbal (Your least dominant characteristic) What Do These Percentages Mean? Low percentages are common in the Brain Type Test and are not indicative of intelligence. Instead, medium to high scores (30 - 50%) are desireable, as they show an ability to utilize a processing method without an abnormal reliance on it. Special focus should be paid to highly dominant (50% or above) or highly recessive (0 - 30%) methods, as they tend to limit your approach when learning, memorizing, or solving problems. If you have Highly Dominant characteristics, your normal thinking patterns will naturally utilize these methods. Conscious effort is required to recognize the benefits of other techniques. Using multiple forms of information processing is the best way to fully understand complex issues and become a balanced thinker. If you have Highly Recessive characteristics, your normal thinking patterns naturally ignore these methods. You may only consider these under-utilized techniques when "all else fails," or possibly not at all. It is important to recognize the benefits of all of your brain's capabilities in order to become a balanced thinker. Well, its definitely me! Isn't it amazing how God creates us all different, and then makes some of us smart enough to work the rest of us out?! Take the test yourself, any other Right Brainers out there?

Help Around The House

I am still in the midst of wedding thank you cards, and preparing for my brother's wedding in 6 weeks time. Work continues to run ahead of me and the list seems ever longer - instead of shorter.

There is still much to be done in our home - especially in our guest room/office/computer and entertainment room - and some of this is waiting on the next paycheck to be able to afford furniture. But I am very blessed to have a husband who is willing and able to help me around the house.

I know in a traditional sense the house is the wife's domain, and it still predominately is. But it has been nice to know that when I am working flat out and tired, there is someone to help.

And help he does. He is even better at most household tasks (thanks to being raised in a matricarchal household of four boys) than I am! I believe when men are doing something they are happy to do, they really do often excell beyond that which we can do as women. Now I'm not trying to stake a take on feminist theory or anything like that. But there are certain realities of the physical design of the male body - its strength, core muscle power, its generally larger stature, that place men in the position of being able to achieve wonderful things - especially when they actually desire to help.

In my experience, my husband has always (even in the years we were friends before dating), all but tripped over himself to provide for me and to do things with and for me. When we were on our honeymoon in Malaysia, my new husband fell violently ill and spent four days in hospital. It was the first time I had ever seen him (necessarily so) so internally focussed - he is a giver and a provider, and it was almost unnatural for him to be this way. When he gives, he does so willingly and (usually) without keeping score!

During that time I read For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. This book is the result of a large survey that took place for Christian and non-Christian men, inviting them to explore areas of their being, their needs and desires. It was fascinating to see some of the responses that men gave to her questions and I was amazing how much I learned about my husband of only a few days. I am still reaping the benefits of that understanding weeks later. Shaunti explores men's need to provide for their families - something that made me put down my guard about letting my husband help in "my domain" of the household! There are still inner designs that make me more likely to see the pile of washing and him less so (or prehaps we both see it and I am more motivated to do soemthing about it at the time?), but when he can do something for me, it builds him up internally. It is truly inspiring to watch him serve.

In my work with young children I have been taught to treat boys and girls as having the same strengths and skills. I struggle with this, because even from a young age, those behaviours and preferences that we say are only learned, seem to emerge on their own and in very familiar patterns.

The boys do spend more time with the block construction, the way they play with playdough is different, their writing or cognitive tasks like puzzles are often a solitary event, and it is usually more difficult to coerce them in to finishing their Mother's Day craft.
The girls have a more social take on cognitive activities, often selecting to do them together, role-playing games are focussed around family and everyday tasks.

There are expections, everyday and for every child. But those overall patterns still emerge even after years of early childhood settings providing open, inviting expereiences for all children. I struggle to think that our differences are a problem. I truly believe that God created us to complement and strengthen each other's differences.